The first week of the 2008-2009 Fantasy Football season is officially closed, and aside from the massive, darkening, disheartening shadow that is Tom Brady’s season-ending injury, I’m pretty damned happy with the results. As is the norm, I’ve got three leagues going this year, one for money, one for bragging rights, and a third for shits and giggles.
Money League
I actually didn’t realize this WAS a money league until yesterday, which is alright because I won anyway. This league is almost completely comprised of assistants/interns/deviants from the Brillstein Co., the rival management company across the street. And when I say rival, I mean like the Pats and the Bills, in that there really IS no rivalry but the lesser team (i.e. The Bills) likes to think there is. In this unfortunate comparison, however, I’m representing The Bills – Brillstein is the flashier, richer, glitzier, organization and we’re the underdogs with promise. I’m outnumbered 11-1 by higher-than-though “I have bagels every morning and get $250 gift cards for my birthday” chumps. So of course, I gots to represent!
Kicked off strong the first week, defeating “Da Pain 5” 137-70 (I guess he had the pain, but he forgot to bring it. Ba-dump-ching). #1 reason why? RB Michael Turner. 35 points when he was projected for 17. The man is a beast, a sleeper on a sleeper team. He was my secret weapon going into the draft, and so far I’m feeling pretty good about that.
WRs Randy Moss and Andre Johnson brought in an expected 21 points each. All went according to plan. Unfortunately for the victim, he can’t stay the same. WR Chad Ocho Cinco stumbled in with 3 points. TE Todd Heap gave him -1. But really, when your #2 receiver is Chris Chambers and your QB is flaky Matt Hasselbeck, how do you EXPECT to win?
(Note: I’m a Hasselbeck fan, ‘cause he’s bald, but The Bald Alliance only carries you so far. Jason Statham EARNS his kick-ass bald guy card. Michael Chiklis defines it on THE SHIELD. Time to step up, Hassels. You’re already losing points cause your name reminds me of this dude.)
As an added bonus, my 137 points is the most in the league and puts me in first place. Suck it, Brillstein.
Bragging Rights League (STEVIE DRAMA’S League)
What’s this? Another first place ranking? After beating down my DC buddy/Madden rivalry STEVIE DRAMA? Okay fine, I’m being a dick. But this IS the bragging rights league, so I’ll give myself a pass. Plus I won this league last year, so I’ve got some residual high to burn off.
Michael Turner came up big in this one too, rushing for 39.40 and securing me “based on week one, I drafted better than you” bravioso. WR Andre Johnson, RB Marshawn Lynch and Team
DRAMA, on the other hand, had basically no one come through. QB Caron Palmer, WR T.J. Houshmandzada, RB Joseph Addai - all M.I.A. RBs Willie Parker and Matt Forte (perhaps his smartest pick) came up strong and could have carried the Cincy/Indy bodybags to a close game, accept DRAMA also started WRs Marvin Harrison and Devin Hester at #2 and #3. A geriatric and a punt return specialist. You HAVE to do better than that.
Final score: 163.16 – 125.97.
NFL BLITZ LEAGUE (shits n’ giggles)
The Blitz league is the fun league – 5 CBC members and one Brillstein invader, making for All-Star teams and skyrocketing points. Appropriately, I put The Invader in his place with a 326.45 – 285.85 win. Michael Turner (sensing a pattern here?) was huge again, as was RB Willie Parker, TE Jason Witten, WR Terrell Owens and basically everybody else on the team. The one downer? THE SHADOW. Brady gave me 5.55 points before hitting the IR. Thankfully in fantasy land, I don’t have to rely on Matt Cassel to pick up the slack. I refuse to drop Brady though. Out of loyalty, he’ll keep a roster spot for the rest of the season. But I CAN win without him.
The Invader, meanwhile, will blame WRs Marques Colston and Santonio Holmes for his loss (just about 4 points between them) and a comparative lack of production from LT. He may be right.
In other league news, MR. NICE GUY basically beat the crap out of THE BRU, and had a much more creative and appropriate team motto (“O’Doyle Rules!”). BRU got damn near 100 points out of Tony Romo, but still finished with a meek 185. He’s in the basement, and I plan on keeping him there next week.
DRAMA, meanwhile, lost again, this time to THE CHINAMAN, who slapped the brass knuckles on in this one, beating DRAMA down with his own, beloved G-MEN. Eli, Plax and Jacobs combined for 140.65 points. DRAMA, on the other hand, got a total of 13 points from two RBs and his #2 WR. That’s GOTTA hurt.
Week 1 Results – 3-0. Boo. Yeah. Bitches.
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